Perfect Weekend

Not foodwise unfortunately but hey can't have it all and I'll just have to make up for it during the week.
It started really badly on friday- had a bad migraine, got grumpy at the bf for no reason (I blame period) and then he went out with a mate to the pub so I didn't get to bed till 1 and was up at 7 for work, still with a migraine and feeling shit half the shift. Then my gorgeous boyfriend picked me up from work with a beautiful bouquet of flowers for me ^^ All the girls were gushing about how sweet he is :') It's true, he is :') His bitchy ex was at work too and gave him full on evils :3 Then we spent the evening at his mum's and had dinner there (hence food fail for that day) and got to spend a few hours with his adorable little sister (She's three) and she's the cutest thing ever, she even asked if I could sit next to her in the car and gave me one of her toy trains to look after :') But whenever I see her I feel so broody! I want a kid so bad!! Not now obviously, but I can't wait until I can! :D
Then on Sunday, me and the boyfriend spent the morning in bed and he played xbox, and then we went on a really long walk and explored a wood and played on a rope swing over a lake, was so fun! We were walking for about 5 hours so I burnt off some of the shit I ate :) When we got back we had steak and chips and god I felt disgusting and full for the rest of the night >< really wanted to purge but our housemates would have heard :/ I purged on Saturday though, before going to his mum's. Not sure if my bf heard :/ Hope not, it makes him worry.

I'm going to try not to weigh until Friday, I'm hoping I'll be a bit lighter by then, I'll keep my intake under 500, will use my stepper whenever my housemates aren't in, do weight exercises and my leg exercises. Hopefully I can lose at least a pound. I've got two weeks today until my new job, want to be at least a bit smaller by then :/

I'm actually looking forward to summer for once, going out with my boyfriend, walking and exploring and just relaxing and having fun. I just hope I'm thin enough by then to look ok in summer clothes. I really want to wear shorts and be attractive for my boyfriend, I want him to think I'm sexy and beautiful. He always just calls me cute atm :/ I have a proper baby face so it doesn't make me feel any better about it :/ Though he says he thinks cute is sexy. I want to go swimming with him as well, though god knows how I'll ever look at all decent in a bikini :(

Anyhoo, done ranting for now, apologies for the downer at the end there.
Love and happy thoughts to you all.
xxx

Not as bad as expected.....

139.4lbs as of yesterday morning. Still huge and fat and disgusting but hey it's only a 2lb gain I guess
I weighed the bf today (we were joking about how bad our diet is and how its affected his skin so I wanted to see) and he's put on over 2 stone since we got together..... oopsie :') probably my fault as I love feeding him :') Worked out last night though that I'm not really going to have enough money at the new job to afford the gym :( I was so looking forward to it, but I suppose I'll just have to do what I can at home and go for walks at the weekend now its getting warmer. I'm starting to really stress over money cos I need to get new clothes cos I don't have any smart work things, and I've gotta save a months rent from my last paycheck from my current job cos I won't get paid till the month after I start the new job :/ and I've gotta pay for the train or bus every weekday to get there so I'm not gonna have a whole lot of money :/ it sucks tbh. On my period atm, and suffering majorly bad cramps but hey, it stops the hunger I guess.
Not weighed myself today. Ate a bit too much with the boyfriend last night (I felt so full and horrid all the way home, too much food combined with periodyness I guess), so I don't wanna weigh till tomorrow, when I'm hoping I'll be down. Not eaten very much today at all and I'll just have a salad at work so total intake for the day will be around 300-400 which I suppose is ok, and I'm currently on the stepper burning some of that so is all good :) I'll make sure I do some weight exercises on my arms before I head to work as well so my flabby arms get a little bit more toned before the summer.

I've been slathering my legs in bio oil the last few days, praying some of the scars on my thighs will go away before summer gets here properly. Then if by some miracle I lose 20 pounds and look halfway decent, I can wear nude tights with dresses, or maybe shorts? :O Scary thought tbh. I wore a dress to work yesterday tbf, but with really thick black tights obvs, and I really wanted just one person to say I looked nice, but of course they didn't :/ I mean who thinks an ugly fat girl looks good in a dress. It's ridiculous really.

Anyway I'll stop ranting now, hope everyone is doing well.
Much love
xxx

100000lbs?

I feel fat fat fatty fat today. More so than usual today. I'm refusing to weigh myself atm, I'm so convinced I've gained. I'm sure I'm back to 142 at the very least, if not higher. I just feel disgusting. I haven't even binged really so I don't know why I'm so worried but god I feel fat. I tried on my old jogging bottoms earlier (brought them when I was 118lbs, and they were tight then) and urgh. I mean I can get them on and I can fasten them and everything but they're pulled so tights over my fat disgusting thighs and fucking hips that I'm sure if I wore them to actually exercise in that they'd tear right off and I'd be left showing my wobbly blobby fat to the world. Bleurgh.

Me and the boyfriend have promised to start going to the gym once I've started at my new job. Will probably be a week or so into the job so I'm settled etc. But yay! I'm hoping to go about twice a week, though the boyfriend says he'll only go once, so I'll have to face scary people on my own and apparently the gym we're going to is very male oriented so that should be fun -.-' As long as they have some cardio stuff it's all good.
Another good thing with the job is I'll be walking about two hours every weekday, about twenty minutes from my house to the train station, then from the train station at the other end it's like 40 minutes to get to the workplace. So I'll get nice and exercised. Plus I can just take salad with me, and lots of water, and I won't have access to any other food so I'll be nice and distracted all day :) Then I won't get home till like gone 6 I expect, so I'm hoping the boyfriend will have had dinner and I can just grab a cuppa and relax with him :) Should be a lot easier to lose weight. And bf wants to have his gym day on Saturday so we'll hopefully go out during the day before we head to the gym in the night and any crap I eat I can work off and then Sunday we'll probably get food shopping so I can avoid it for half the day and then just either have a high cal day or can just be a slightly higher but still restricted day :)

I like this plan.

I really want to be skinny and beautiful for summer. I want to have a holiday with the boyfriend (God knows how we'd afford it but hey) and I want to be happy in a bathing suit and want to have sex on the beach (yes I am now singing it :P). I just want to be completely happy for once.

Stay Thin and beautiful my lovelies
xxx

EEE!

I GOT THE JOB GUYS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Seriously thought I'd fucked up (there was a task that was confusingly written and so I cocked up) but like 30-50 minutes later thay phoned me back saying that I had the job!!! YAY! I'm so happy I feel like bouncing and dancing and YAY! This merits choc and carbs. Fuck it. Then tomorrow back to good dieting behaviour and losing weight for MY NEW JOB! Yay! ^^
EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! Okay, I'll shut up now (so I can go dance round the house a bit)!
Hope you're all having as good a day! Love to you all! xxx

Interview

I have a interview for an apprenticeship this friday and I am SHITTING myself! I am terrible at interviews, I get so nervous and panicky and end up rambling. But I so want this job, I need out of my current job, it's so shit and I end up annoyed half the time, the people there are just so rude and bitchy.
I ate far too much yesterday, and I'm not doing much better today either. There's stupid cake left over from Sunday and I want to eat it all :( I keep feeling like I'm going to binge, and I'm trying so hard not to but for some stupid reason I can't just have a little slice, I have to keep picking and picking at it until I've eaten far too much. So now I am just working out on the stepper as much as I can until work, at the same time as preparing for the interview. Urgh too much and my head is gonna explode but it'll be worth it I know it. I want to be thin and in a job that I'm not ashamed of. Can I do it? :/
Stay strong beautiful girls x

137.6

It's going dowwwwwn! :) This makes me very very happy :) *boingboingboingboing* sorry I has happys. Two more pounds and I'll have reached my first mini goal :) I have mini goals every 5 pounds with rewards alternating between material and fooooood.
At 135 I get new pjs
130 Chocolate
125 Jewellery
120 Takeaway with the bf
115 New Lingerie, New Sims game
110 Cake, McDonalds
105 New DVD, new jeans
100 Baking Day, takeaway, alcohol
95 Denim shorts, accessory, DVD
90 Big Toblerone, Pasta, Ice cream
84 Pamper day, binge day, shopping spree

At 115 the rewards get good, so that's what I'm most looking forward to ^^
I still feel really shitty and ill and have a long shift tonight with one of the most annoying girls ever, who also happens to be my boyfriend's ex and the girl who broke two of my close friends hearts. I act civil towards her but she seems to think I really like her, it's like fuck the hell off you freak. She told people where her and my bf used to work that he was gay and also got her pregnant (total bull cos she was on the pill and using a condom, and never made my bf orgasm- he claims, though I dunno why he would lie). Now she's spreading the same bull where I work with her, and I'm worried people will think badly of my bf and he seriously is the nicest guy, it's not fair to him. But I have this thing where I can't be rude to people or confront people. I dunno why, I'm just a pussy I guess. Another thing that sucks about her is she is tiny. I mean she's like 5'0 and is so tiny she looks like she might break if you tapped her. On the plus side, she is way ugly. She looks like a pale little rat. Sorry for the rant, she just angers me :)

Hope everyone is doing really well :)
xxxx

Ill

I hate being ill. I really really hate it :( Especially cos my asthma is so bad, it always affects my lungs three times as badly as anyone else. Right now, just standing up in making me gasp for breath, that's how tight my chest is :( Really not looking forward to my shift tonight, and the walk home -.- Gonna be a long day.

Bright side, feeling so shit that I really don't want to eat (plus we're completely out of everything basically) I managed a few spoonfuls of oatmeal. But I think the rest of the day will be lots of nice warm tea, honey and lemon (when I get some honey :P) and some sugarfree jelly this evening. Will spend as much time as possible in bed. Still managed an hour on the stepper yesterday, but today I just feel worse, so laziness may have to prevail.

Hope everyone is doing good today :)

138.8lbs

Digital Scales read 138.8lbs this morning. Mechanical scales still say 128lbs. Have got the boyfriend's cold or the one going around at work. Not sure. Feel like ass. Had a huge coughing fit last night when I was in bed with the bf. And I mean huge barking coughs that completely shook my body so hard I got bright spots behind my eyelids. Chest is so tight this morning, nose is blocked, feel congested and gross. Want chocolate. Now. Urgh.

Just need to get through my shift tonight and I get a day off to sleep. Then after another two shifts I has another day off and I'm going to see my parents and make them dinner. I'm so getting/making a cake. Nom.

Going to go die for half an hour before I have to go to work. Bleurghhhhhhh

Welcome to the Wonderful 130s :)

Hey all,

Yesterday I finally weighed in below 140lbs on the digital scales first thing in the morning! Okay, only 139.4, but it's progress and I have to take it. Mechanical scales still say the same but hey :) Had another day off yesterday but was because my boyfriend starts his new job today and we wanted a celebratory meal and I thought it would be ok cos it's a special occasion :) Not weighing myself today in case I gained from yesterday so I'll update in a few days I expect.

My stepper finally arrived today! It's beautiful and pink! :') I'm gonna try and work out until I have to go to work at 3.30pm so I've got about 2 and a half hours :) Gonna try getting ready while working out on it so that should be hilarious :') I spent my morning waiting for the delivery cleaning the house, cos my housemates keep leaving a tip, even scrubbed out the sink and cleaned all the counter tops in the kitchen. I feel like a very good girl today :')

Not eaten too much either, calories are around 300 for the day, and I'll only have a diet coke on my break at work and then some low calorie jelly when I get home I expect :)

I'd better say gooooodbye for now, much exercising to get done before I go to work ;)

Think Thin Beautiful Ladies

xxxx

Yet more anger at my scales.

So the lovely kind mechanical scales told me I'd dropped another two poundsish- about 128lbs-129lbs, and yet the same time this morning the digital scales still said 140lbs! What the frick? And yet I weighed again just now, after some food and a lot of water and I'm now 139.8lbs on them. What the hell am I meant to think -.- How can I have dropped nearly a stone on one set and only a couple of pounds on another? I've tested the accuracy with a 2kg weight and they're both accurate.... Huh? I'm so confused. And really paranoid I'm like misreading the scales :/
But if I just pay attention to the digital ones, yay that I'm finally below 140 I guess. But I feel like I should have made more progress given how little I'm eating and the PhenSlim pills :/ I just feel fed up and a bit shit really. Why am I so useless? Why can't I lose weight fast and be thin and perfect and beautiful?

Urgh, at work today one of the girls looked at what I was having on my break (black coffee and some fruit) and said 'Is that all you're having? You'll disappear'. I wish. I wish all my disgusting fat would just go, disappear and leave behind a tiny skinny me. I suck.

PhenSlim50 update: Well, if the mechanical scales were right this morning, then the pills really are good. Otherwise, I'm not that impressed so far. Felt a bit more energy than usual at work I suppose. I took two this morning and I felt sick most of the day and had chest pain most of the day. That may just have been being up too early and the black coffee but I dunno, we'll see how it goes.

Stay strong lovelies, hope you're doing better than me.

xxx

Stupid Scales

Well according to my digital scales I am still at fricking 140 though I have dropped .4lbs now :/ The mechanical scales say I've dropped another pound or 2, so I'm about 131lbs according to them -.- Wish I could just go with them, but tbh the scales that say I'm heavier are more likely to be true, I can't be this fat and not weigh a lot. So I still need to drop 20lbs before I'm even in the 'not fat' category :/ Sucks.

My news on the PhenSlim50 pills so far? Not noticed that much difference honestly... I've had a bit more energy I think but not significantly, I still fell asleep at half two with the boyfriend. My hunger hasn't noticeably reduced either, but tbh I'd be terrified if I didn't have hunger pains, I'd be worried my body had gone into starvation mode and that I was going to gain weight, so that's fine. Obviously not much difference in weight so far but maybe that will change when I can exercise more (stepper will hopefully be here by Monday, if not I'm gonna go crazy :/).

Today I've only had some mini salt and vinegar rice cakes, sf jelly and fruit.... and I ate some frosting from the cake I brought the BF yesterday (apparently chocolate cake is the cure for manflu and I can't deny him anything when he's all adorable at me -.-) Stupid sugar is my major weakness. When I was a binge eater, I used to get through two 200g bars of Dairy Milk in one day, no problem. Chocolate is beyond awesome. Dammit to hell. Hopefully being at work tomorrow for some of the day will help me avoid the evil cake. But I'm at work stupidly early tomorrow until early afternoon, so I'll be shattered, plus no boyfriend in the afternoon/evening to stop me pigging out :/ I have hair dye so I think if I get too close to eating crap I'll just go and lock myself in the bathroom for a couple of hours to sort my hair. Then all I can have is water.

The doctor put me on antibiotics yesterday, cos I've had this skin infection under my arms (I know, lovely right) for a while that keeps coming back. But because I have to take four a day, and you can't eat for an hour after (and take on an empty stomach- not hard :P) so it's a good excuse for work and with the bf, but it's making it annoying, cos when I know I'm not allowed to eat for an hour, all I can think about is eating -.- Another thing that has been bugging me today, I've been fucking freezing all day since I got out of bed to see my boyfriend off to work (it seems his manflu was not terminal ;) ) at half nine this morning. And it's a lovely day outside, but I'm shivering inside with pjs and a cuddly hoodie on and hiding under my quilt -.- I'm not thin so I shouldn't be this fucking cold, it's ridiculous. When my boyfriend got back for his break ( he was on a split shift today so got home at like half two and then went back at five) I practically forced him into bed and curled up on his chest to try and defrost. He even put up with my cold feet on his legs bless him. He really does put up with a lot from me :') But as soon as he went I was cold again :( So I've had to have a boiling hot shower and am now managing without the hoodie but still under the quilt with a hot water bottle... Weird.

Anyhoo, time for me to shurrup and leave you poor people alone :P Hope everyone's doing awesome and feeling happyful. Much love to you all :)

Pills, Doctors and Manflu

Why hello world :)

It's my day off today (hallelujah!) and was planning on spending the day up and about, exercising and doing the house work and surfing blogger. However, I had to go to the doctor to get more of The Pill (I'm almost out), pick up stuff for the boyfriend who is 'dying in bed' (manflu -.-) and go to my parents to pick up some stuff I left behind. Since the boyfriend is home as well I wont be able to exercise as much cos it annoys him :P But on the bright side my PhenSlim50 has arrived todayyyy!!! Yay! Already taken one as the test to see if you react as they recommend. Will report on whether they work or not :) Let's hope they do! Now all I need is my stepper so I can exercise whenever I'm at home.

According to the doctors scales (which have to be accurate and calibrated) I'm only 137lbs (still fat and heavy I know, but not as hideous as I thought!) and that was with my heavy boots and all my clothes on. Still... 6lbs heavier than my last weigh in by the Dr which was about a year ago, when I wasn't on the pill and wasn't wearing such heavy shoes, but still :/ I'd rather be lighter. My next check up thing is in six months which will be blood pressure and weigh in and I need to be lighter. Though if I'm like too much lighter, I'm sure they'll be nosy and ask questions :/ Stupid pill making things harder -.-

Urgh, at work yesterday, this guy only saw my legs and thought I was his girlfriend, which is really offensive cos the said girl has rather fat legs, like possibly bigger than mine. Grr. Obviously need to lose even more than I thought. Yesterday was like one of those good yet bad shifts, good cos I'm really good friends with the people who were on but two of the girls who were on are like the skinniest girls that work there. One is very tall and so bony, but eats loads, she's just naturally like that. The other girl is only a bit taller than me and isn't so scarily skinny but she is tiny, like naturally so, but she doesn't really eat that much and only eats healthily really. But she never loses weight, she just stays miniscule. Makes me so jealous and miserable. I wish I could be that perfect. Dainty and ethereal. I want girls to be envious of me. I want to be beautiful.

Guess a work in progress will have to suffice.

Still not reached the 130s :(

However, I am now down to 140 exactly, so that's not too bad I guess. I had a day off yesterday, I like to have one every so often just to shake up my metabolism and so I can have some of the fatty food I crave during the diet week ;) I brought loads of crap to eat but after a meal with the bf after work I was too full and feeling too sick to want anything else, so now I have all this unhealthy food in my room that I've got to avoid for at least another week -.-

Also, I feel like a bit of a failure cos the day before, I had takeaway :/ I only ever have healthy stuff from there- plain boiled rice and only plain marinated chicken, no sauce or fatty stuff but I still feel like I should have said no. I'd only had 189 calories

until then and I wasn't even hungry so it seems stupid. I just felt incredibly ill (I think I have flu or something) and my neck was hurting so badly I couldn't move more than a fraction without crying and work had been terrible so I caved. I left almost half of it so that helps me feel a bit better, and I had dropped a pound the next day so I shouldn't beat myself up but I can't help it. Like, so many other people I know are 'dieting' atm and when I see them have junk or unhealthy food I feel disgusted by it. I feel kinda like they should be committed to it properly, and then there I am eating takeaway. I'm a repulsive contradiction.

I took photos that I was going to post on here, but then I looked at them and saw the amount of fucking cellulite on my legs and my ass and oh hell no. I really don't want to be the reason anyone throws up. I look awful. Seriously, someone as short as me and as bottom heavy as me, should not weigh this much. However, I have a picture from when I was 110lbs a year or two ago. I so want to look like this again, but thinner ofc ;)

I have so many pictures from my weight fluctuations over the years. It's a little weird, seeing chubby flabby me and the next second seeing hollow cheeks and prominent collar bones. God I miss those collar bones....

Love and happy thoughts to everyone and anyone whose reading my crappy ramblings... if anyone even is.

Bleurgh

So annoyed :/ Been weighing myself all week on the old scales that were just in the bathroom, and I tried just now (after a day with food and loads to drink and fully dressed in heavy clothes) and it said I was about 2lbs lighter and I was so happy and proud. Then I thought I'd double check on my own digital scales, and according to them I'm actually 142lbs! Fuck :/ Too fat. Disgusting fucking fatty fatso. So no dinner for me tonight, and will exercise until the boyfriend gets back late tonight.

I hate myself.

I've done ok foodwise today:

1 half portion of sugarfree jelly- 5 calories

1 chicken salad at work (no dressing and left half the chicken)- 240 ish (est. cos it's 270 if you eat all the chicken)

1 white coffee- 30

1 portion of sf jelly- 10

1 fruit bag- 50

1 bag of sv snack a jacks 89

2x sv rice cakes 100

So 524 calories.... ok now I think maybe not so good :/ Should have gone for a healthier salad, like the 115 calorie one :( I thought I could get away with the extra calories but I'm even fatter than I thought so I really shouldn't have had it.

Tomorrow WILL be better. I'll aim for just fruit and a black coffee at work, and only sugarfree jelly and fruit at home.... maybe 1 snack a jack :/

Ordered my Phen50 today so hopefully that and my stepper will arrive soon and hopefully they will work and make me thin. I can't stand being this size. It makes me ashamed just to be :/ I have all these clothes that used to fit when I was lighter. They're all so pretty and my boyfriend loves them so I want to fit into them so badly and look actually half decent for once :/ Before I fall asleep every night, I have this little fantasy in my head. I'm thin, perfect. Everyone looks at me differently, like I'm actually worth the effort to notice. My chubby baby cheeks have faded and my face is almost beautiful. My arms have lost that disgusting layer of fat and my elbows stick out from the rest of my arm. My clavicles are prominent, my ribs are just visible. And best of all, I have skinny skinny legs, tiny hips and my stupid fat ass has vanished. All that's left of me is a new, beautiful and delicate pixie. I'm always wearing shorts, and people look at my legs and marvel, I make girls jealous for the first time.

I've always wanted to be thin enough to wear shorts. Always.

But as it is, I am fat. I'm pear shaped so my thighs are huge and my hips are covered by huge thick layers of sickening blubber. Plus I have so many scars on my thighs that I would have to wear tights with shorts and that's not what I want, I want bare, beautiful, bony legs. I want perfection.

Bleh. Rant over.