137.6

It's going dowwwwwn! :) This makes me very very happy :) *boingboingboingboing* sorry I has happys. Two more pounds and I'll have reached my first mini goal :) I have mini goals every 5 pounds with rewards alternating between material and fooooood.
At 135 I get new pjs
130 Chocolate
125 Jewellery
120 Takeaway with the bf
115 New Lingerie, New Sims game
110 Cake, McDonalds
105 New DVD, new jeans
100 Baking Day, takeaway, alcohol
95 Denim shorts, accessory, DVD
90 Big Toblerone, Pasta, Ice cream
84 Pamper day, binge day, shopping spree

At 115 the rewards get good, so that's what I'm most looking forward to ^^
I still feel really shitty and ill and have a long shift tonight with one of the most annoying girls ever, who also happens to be my boyfriend's ex and the girl who broke two of my close friends hearts. I act civil towards her but she seems to think I really like her, it's like fuck the hell off you freak. She told people where her and my bf used to work that he was gay and also got her pregnant (total bull cos she was on the pill and using a condom, and never made my bf orgasm- he claims, though I dunno why he would lie). Now she's spreading the same bull where I work with her, and I'm worried people will think badly of my bf and he seriously is the nicest guy, it's not fair to him. But I have this thing where I can't be rude to people or confront people. I dunno why, I'm just a pussy I guess. Another thing that sucks about her is she is tiny. I mean she's like 5'0 and is so tiny she looks like she might break if you tapped her. On the plus side, she is way ugly. She looks like a pale little rat. Sorry for the rant, she just angers me :)

Hope everyone is doing really well :)
xxxx

Still not reached the 130s :(

However, I am now down to 140 exactly, so that's not too bad I guess. I had a day off yesterday, I like to have one every so often just to shake up my metabolism and so I can have some of the fatty food I crave during the diet week ;) I brought loads of crap to eat but after a meal with the bf after work I was too full and feeling too sick to want anything else, so now I have all this unhealthy food in my room that I've got to avoid for at least another week -.-

Also, I feel like a bit of a failure cos the day before, I had takeaway :/ I only ever have healthy stuff from there- plain boiled rice and only plain marinated chicken, no sauce or fatty stuff but I still feel like I should have said no. I'd only had 189 calories

until then and I wasn't even hungry so it seems stupid. I just felt incredibly ill (I think I have flu or something) and my neck was hurting so badly I couldn't move more than a fraction without crying and work had been terrible so I caved. I left almost half of it so that helps me feel a bit better, and I had dropped a pound the next day so I shouldn't beat myself up but I can't help it. Like, so many other people I know are 'dieting' atm and when I see them have junk or unhealthy food I feel disgusted by it. I feel kinda like they should be committed to it properly, and then there I am eating takeaway. I'm a repulsive contradiction.

I took photos that I was going to post on here, but then I looked at them and saw the amount of fucking cellulite on my legs and my ass and oh hell no. I really don't want to be the reason anyone throws up. I look awful. Seriously, someone as short as me and as bottom heavy as me, should not weigh this much. However, I have a picture from when I was 110lbs a year or two ago. I so want to look like this again, but thinner ofc ;)

I have so many pictures from my weight fluctuations over the years. It's a little weird, seeing chubby flabby me and the next second seeing hollow cheeks and prominent collar bones. God I miss those collar bones....

Love and happy thoughts to everyone and anyone whose reading my crappy ramblings... if anyone even is.

Beginnings

After a stuggle with self harm, binge eating, anorexia and bulimia that has spanned that last seven or so years, I find myself once again hating my body to the extent that I am dieting seriously again. The last week or so I have been trying to limit myself to fruit and salt+vinegar rice cakes, and then something light, like two pieces of toast for dinner, but I've slipped up at least two days because of my silly boyfriend. He's been the worst influence on me the last year or so :/ We've been together like a year and a few months and has basically encouraged me to eat more, mainly crap like chocolate and fast food. I stayed at his for a week last summer and every night we ate crap basically. He's made me a lot happier, like I can actually eat in front of people now and I feel a bit better about myself now. But he's really helped the pounds pile on. I'm now back at my highest weight of 140lbs and I hate it. Like, full on makes me sick. I never wanted to be higher than 119lbs, and my size 10 (UK) jeans are tight, and a pair of trousers I brought recently don't even fit now. I refuse to ever be a size 12. I know it's weird but a size 12 is just what I see as huge. Whale like. I do not wanna be that fat.
So here I go. Back on the diet wagon yet again. At the very least I want to get back to 133lbs, which I was before I started dating my lovely boyfriend. Goals are as follows:
1GW 133
2GW 119
3GW 112
4GW 105
UGW 90lbs

I hope I stick to my diet this time. My metabolism are rather shit so I don't lose weight very easily, so I really need to go for it if I'm going to get any results at all. Will try to stick to a mainly fruit and veg diet when possible, with maybe a few fast days.
I persuaded my boyfriend to buy me a mini stepper for a late birthday present and as soon as I can I'm going to invest in some Phen50 tablets which are the most supported diet pills I can find on the web. I'm hoping this will be enough to get me back under 140lbs.
My boyfriend knows all about my eating disorders and my various 'issues', I told him like the first week we were together cos I thought it was only fair that he went into the relationship knowing I was fucked up so he knew who he was dating. A year and a bit later we're living together and I've never been so happy and at ease with someone. But he doesn't like me dieting, or even me not liking my body, it upsets him, so I'm just telling him it's a little diet just to get rid of the excess half a stone/stone, but I'm always a little too honest so I think he might worry :/ I really don't wanna do that because I love him so much, and he deserves a normal girlfriend.
But hey, I also don't want to lose him and if I'm pretty and thin again he will love me more, and I'll feel happier cuddling and having sex and it will be better :)

Sorry for the rambling first post (if anyone is reading which I doubt tbh) but I had a lot to say it seems. Hopefully I will keep up with the blog as well as the diet. In the past I've started so many blogs but never done more than one or two posts -.-
Anyhoo, farewell internet world.