Depression is rearing its ugly head.
Everything just seems so pointless. And I'm just so tired. Of everything. Life. Pretending I'm ok. Pretending. I hate it all.
I just want it to be over and done with. I'm just tired.

I'm alone. Feel it more than ever.
Noone I can talk to. Noone to hug. Noone to lie and tell me it will all be ok. And it won't be. Life never gets better. It only gets worse.

So tired.

I just want to sleep for the rest of my life.

I'd be safe then.
Wouldn't hurt anymore.

Sorry for this bull. Just needed to put it down.

Hope you're all ok.
Love x

Too Early

Bleurgh, I hate this time in the morning.

Anyhoo, today I am fasting. Normally hard on a work day but I'm finishing before lunch today, and ill wander round town instead of going home so I can avoid food.

Ill go to the gym for an hour or two this evening as well and hopefully it'll pay off.
However, I took two diet pills (raspberry ketone) this morning and dear god they make me feel queasy. Urgh, clearly not a good plan on a fast day, but I need the caffeine and energy to keep awake :/

I dreamt about my ex last night, him basically apologizing and saying all the things I want to hear, and I knew if they dream had continued we would have got back together and everything. So waking up to reality this morning really sucked. I just miss him so much, and I want things to be good again. I want him to love me. I want to be good enough.
So I will keep trying.
I will restrict and exercise until I am thin. Until I am beautiful. Maybe then he will care. Or at least tell me why he had to break me.

My best, and only real, friend hasn't even spoken to me in weeks. I keep texting. She keeps ignoring.
I feel so completely alone.
And completely worthless.

If not even my friend can stick me, I must be pretty fucking worthless. Unlovable.

Sorry for the mad ramble :/ guess that's what early mornings bring out in me.
Clearly I should stay in bed. Always.

Anyway, much love as always.
Hope you are all doing a lot better than stupid me.

Think thin.
A.
X

Hi.
So... its been a while. A long while. Sorry, I'm crap :/ a lot of stuff has gone off since I last posted. Me and the bf had to move back in with our respective parents due to money and housemate issues, and a month or so later we broke up. My heart was smushed. There was  another guy who I liked and it messed with my head as things were shit with my bf, so that contributed to the split.
I got together with that guy a bit later. It was hard though. Sometimes he was so sweet ans fun and lovely but then he'd treat me like shit and make me cry. I still loved him though, completely. I don't understand why but I did and wanted so bad for him to reciprocate the feelings but he never did. He broke up with me after 8 months telling me he wouldn't ever love me. Said it wasn't anything to do with me, just one of those things. I don't believe thathrd have loved me if I could have been better.

Also, started cbt for my self harm and I'm now on antidepressants, though I still feel shit most days.

Loads of crap with my family blew up. May talk about that later, dunno. :/

But I'm here again. I'm back. I will be thin this time. I've joined a gym, restricting, and I have my diet pills.

I want to be thin. I want to be beautiful. I want to be worth loving. I want to be happy.

I've missed you all, but I have been keeping up with your blogs.

Hope you're all ok.

Much love,
Anasaria.

Perfect Weekend

Not foodwise unfortunately but hey can't have it all and I'll just have to make up for it during the week.
It started really badly on friday- had a bad migraine, got grumpy at the bf for no reason (I blame period) and then he went out with a mate to the pub so I didn't get to bed till 1 and was up at 7 for work, still with a migraine and feeling shit half the shift. Then my gorgeous boyfriend picked me up from work with a beautiful bouquet of flowers for me ^^ All the girls were gushing about how sweet he is :') It's true, he is :') His bitchy ex was at work too and gave him full on evils :3 Then we spent the evening at his mum's and had dinner there (hence food fail for that day) and got to spend a few hours with his adorable little sister (She's three) and she's the cutest thing ever, she even asked if I could sit next to her in the car and gave me one of her toy trains to look after :') But whenever I see her I feel so broody! I want a kid so bad!! Not now obviously, but I can't wait until I can! :D
Then on Sunday, me and the boyfriend spent the morning in bed and he played xbox, and then we went on a really long walk and explored a wood and played on a rope swing over a lake, was so fun! We were walking for about 5 hours so I burnt off some of the shit I ate :) When we got back we had steak and chips and god I felt disgusting and full for the rest of the night >< really wanted to purge but our housemates would have heard :/ I purged on Saturday though, before going to his mum's. Not sure if my bf heard :/ Hope not, it makes him worry.

I'm going to try not to weigh until Friday, I'm hoping I'll be a bit lighter by then, I'll keep my intake under 500, will use my stepper whenever my housemates aren't in, do weight exercises and my leg exercises. Hopefully I can lose at least a pound. I've got two weeks today until my new job, want to be at least a bit smaller by then :/

I'm actually looking forward to summer for once, going out with my boyfriend, walking and exploring and just relaxing and having fun. I just hope I'm thin enough by then to look ok in summer clothes. I really want to wear shorts and be attractive for my boyfriend, I want him to think I'm sexy and beautiful. He always just calls me cute atm :/ I have a proper baby face so it doesn't make me feel any better about it :/ Though he says he thinks cute is sexy. I want to go swimming with him as well, though god knows how I'll ever look at all decent in a bikini :(

Anyhoo, done ranting for now, apologies for the downer at the end there.
Love and happy thoughts to you all.
xxx

Not as bad as expected.....

139.4lbs as of yesterday morning. Still huge and fat and disgusting but hey it's only a 2lb gain I guess
I weighed the bf today (we were joking about how bad our diet is and how its affected his skin so I wanted to see) and he's put on over 2 stone since we got together..... oopsie :') probably my fault as I love feeding him :') Worked out last night though that I'm not really going to have enough money at the new job to afford the gym :( I was so looking forward to it, but I suppose I'll just have to do what I can at home and go for walks at the weekend now its getting warmer. I'm starting to really stress over money cos I need to get new clothes cos I don't have any smart work things, and I've gotta save a months rent from my last paycheck from my current job cos I won't get paid till the month after I start the new job :/ and I've gotta pay for the train or bus every weekday to get there so I'm not gonna have a whole lot of money :/ it sucks tbh. On my period atm, and suffering majorly bad cramps but hey, it stops the hunger I guess.
Not weighed myself today. Ate a bit too much with the boyfriend last night (I felt so full and horrid all the way home, too much food combined with periodyness I guess), so I don't wanna weigh till tomorrow, when I'm hoping I'll be down. Not eaten very much today at all and I'll just have a salad at work so total intake for the day will be around 300-400 which I suppose is ok, and I'm currently on the stepper burning some of that so is all good :) I'll make sure I do some weight exercises on my arms before I head to work as well so my flabby arms get a little bit more toned before the summer.

I've been slathering my legs in bio oil the last few days, praying some of the scars on my thighs will go away before summer gets here properly. Then if by some miracle I lose 20 pounds and look halfway decent, I can wear nude tights with dresses, or maybe shorts? :O Scary thought tbh. I wore a dress to work yesterday tbf, but with really thick black tights obvs, and I really wanted just one person to say I looked nice, but of course they didn't :/ I mean who thinks an ugly fat girl looks good in a dress. It's ridiculous really.

Anyway I'll stop ranting now, hope everyone is doing well.
Much love
xxx

100000lbs?

I feel fat fat fatty fat today. More so than usual today. I'm refusing to weigh myself atm, I'm so convinced I've gained. I'm sure I'm back to 142 at the very least, if not higher. I just feel disgusting. I haven't even binged really so I don't know why I'm so worried but god I feel fat. I tried on my old jogging bottoms earlier (brought them when I was 118lbs, and they were tight then) and urgh. I mean I can get them on and I can fasten them and everything but they're pulled so tights over my fat disgusting thighs and fucking hips that I'm sure if I wore them to actually exercise in that they'd tear right off and I'd be left showing my wobbly blobby fat to the world. Bleurgh.

Me and the boyfriend have promised to start going to the gym once I've started at my new job. Will probably be a week or so into the job so I'm settled etc. But yay! I'm hoping to go about twice a week, though the boyfriend says he'll only go once, so I'll have to face scary people on my own and apparently the gym we're going to is very male oriented so that should be fun -.-' As long as they have some cardio stuff it's all good.
Another good thing with the job is I'll be walking about two hours every weekday, about twenty minutes from my house to the train station, then from the train station at the other end it's like 40 minutes to get to the workplace. So I'll get nice and exercised. Plus I can just take salad with me, and lots of water, and I won't have access to any other food so I'll be nice and distracted all day :) Then I won't get home till like gone 6 I expect, so I'm hoping the boyfriend will have had dinner and I can just grab a cuppa and relax with him :) Should be a lot easier to lose weight. And bf wants to have his gym day on Saturday so we'll hopefully go out during the day before we head to the gym in the night and any crap I eat I can work off and then Sunday we'll probably get food shopping so I can avoid it for half the day and then just either have a high cal day or can just be a slightly higher but still restricted day :)

I like this plan.

I really want to be skinny and beautiful for summer. I want to have a holiday with the boyfriend (God knows how we'd afford it but hey) and I want to be happy in a bathing suit and want to have sex on the beach (yes I am now singing it :P). I just want to be completely happy for once.

Stay Thin and beautiful my lovelies
xxx

EEE!

I GOT THE JOB GUYS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Seriously thought I'd fucked up (there was a task that was confusingly written and so I cocked up) but like 30-50 minutes later thay phoned me back saying that I had the job!!! YAY! I'm so happy I feel like bouncing and dancing and YAY! This merits choc and carbs. Fuck it. Then tomorrow back to good dieting behaviour and losing weight for MY NEW JOB! Yay! ^^
EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! Okay, I'll shut up now (so I can go dance round the house a bit)!
Hope you're all having as good a day! Love to you all! xxx