Depression is rearing its ugly head.
Everything just seems so pointless. And I'm just so tired. Of everything. Life. Pretending I'm ok. Pretending. I hate it all.
I just want it to be over and done with. I'm just tired.

I'm alone. Feel it more than ever.
Noone I can talk to. Noone to hug. Noone to lie and tell me it will all be ok. And it won't be. Life never gets better. It only gets worse.

So tired.

I just want to sleep for the rest of my life.

I'd be safe then.
Wouldn't hurt anymore.

Sorry for this bull. Just needed to put it down.

Hope you're all ok.
Love x

Too Early

Bleurgh, I hate this time in the morning.

Anyhoo, today I am fasting. Normally hard on a work day but I'm finishing before lunch today, and ill wander round town instead of going home so I can avoid food.

Ill go to the gym for an hour or two this evening as well and hopefully it'll pay off.
However, I took two diet pills (raspberry ketone) this morning and dear god they make me feel queasy. Urgh, clearly not a good plan on a fast day, but I need the caffeine and energy to keep awake :/

I dreamt about my ex last night, him basically apologizing and saying all the things I want to hear, and I knew if they dream had continued we would have got back together and everything. So waking up to reality this morning really sucked. I just miss him so much, and I want things to be good again. I want him to love me. I want to be good enough.
So I will keep trying.
I will restrict and exercise until I am thin. Until I am beautiful. Maybe then he will care. Or at least tell me why he had to break me.

My best, and only real, friend hasn't even spoken to me in weeks. I keep texting. She keeps ignoring.
I feel so completely alone.
And completely worthless.

If not even my friend can stick me, I must be pretty fucking worthless. Unlovable.

Sorry for the mad ramble :/ guess that's what early mornings bring out in me.
Clearly I should stay in bed. Always.

Anyway, much love as always.
Hope you are all doing a lot better than stupid me.

Think thin.
A.
X

Hi.
So... its been a while. A long while. Sorry, I'm crap :/ a lot of stuff has gone off since I last posted. Me and the bf had to move back in with our respective parents due to money and housemate issues, and a month or so later we broke up. My heart was smushed. There was  another guy who I liked and it messed with my head as things were shit with my bf, so that contributed to the split.
I got together with that guy a bit later. It was hard though. Sometimes he was so sweet ans fun and lovely but then he'd treat me like shit and make me cry. I still loved him though, completely. I don't understand why but I did and wanted so bad for him to reciprocate the feelings but he never did. He broke up with me after 8 months telling me he wouldn't ever love me. Said it wasn't anything to do with me, just one of those things. I don't believe thathrd have loved me if I could have been better.

Also, started cbt for my self harm and I'm now on antidepressants, though I still feel shit most days.

Loads of crap with my family blew up. May talk about that later, dunno. :/

But I'm here again. I'm back. I will be thin this time. I've joined a gym, restricting, and I have my diet pills.

I want to be thin. I want to be beautiful. I want to be worth loving. I want to be happy.

I've missed you all, but I have been keeping up with your blogs.

Hope you're all ok.

Much love,
Anasaria.