Not as bad as expected.....

139.4lbs as of yesterday morning. Still huge and fat and disgusting but hey it's only a 2lb gain I guess
I weighed the bf today (we were joking about how bad our diet is and how its affected his skin so I wanted to see) and he's put on over 2 stone since we got together..... oopsie :') probably my fault as I love feeding him :') Worked out last night though that I'm not really going to have enough money at the new job to afford the gym :( I was so looking forward to it, but I suppose I'll just have to do what I can at home and go for walks at the weekend now its getting warmer. I'm starting to really stress over money cos I need to get new clothes cos I don't have any smart work things, and I've gotta save a months rent from my last paycheck from my current job cos I won't get paid till the month after I start the new job :/ and I've gotta pay for the train or bus every weekday to get there so I'm not gonna have a whole lot of money :/ it sucks tbh. On my period atm, and suffering majorly bad cramps but hey, it stops the hunger I guess.
Not weighed myself today. Ate a bit too much with the boyfriend last night (I felt so full and horrid all the way home, too much food combined with periodyness I guess), so I don't wanna weigh till tomorrow, when I'm hoping I'll be down. Not eaten very much today at all and I'll just have a salad at work so total intake for the day will be around 300-400 which I suppose is ok, and I'm currently on the stepper burning some of that so is all good :) I'll make sure I do some weight exercises on my arms before I head to work as well so my flabby arms get a little bit more toned before the summer.

I've been slathering my legs in bio oil the last few days, praying some of the scars on my thighs will go away before summer gets here properly. Then if by some miracle I lose 20 pounds and look halfway decent, I can wear nude tights with dresses, or maybe shorts? :O Scary thought tbh. I wore a dress to work yesterday tbf, but with really thick black tights obvs, and I really wanted just one person to say I looked nice, but of course they didn't :/ I mean who thinks an ugly fat girl looks good in a dress. It's ridiculous really.

Anyway I'll stop ranting now, hope everyone is doing well.
Much love
xxx

100000lbs?

I feel fat fat fatty fat today. More so than usual today. I'm refusing to weigh myself atm, I'm so convinced I've gained. I'm sure I'm back to 142 at the very least, if not higher. I just feel disgusting. I haven't even binged really so I don't know why I'm so worried but god I feel fat. I tried on my old jogging bottoms earlier (brought them when I was 118lbs, and they were tight then) and urgh. I mean I can get them on and I can fasten them and everything but they're pulled so tights over my fat disgusting thighs and fucking hips that I'm sure if I wore them to actually exercise in that they'd tear right off and I'd be left showing my wobbly blobby fat to the world. Bleurgh.

Me and the boyfriend have promised to start going to the gym once I've started at my new job. Will probably be a week or so into the job so I'm settled etc. But yay! I'm hoping to go about twice a week, though the boyfriend says he'll only go once, so I'll have to face scary people on my own and apparently the gym we're going to is very male oriented so that should be fun -.-' As long as they have some cardio stuff it's all good.
Another good thing with the job is I'll be walking about two hours every weekday, about twenty minutes from my house to the train station, then from the train station at the other end it's like 40 minutes to get to the workplace. So I'll get nice and exercised. Plus I can just take salad with me, and lots of water, and I won't have access to any other food so I'll be nice and distracted all day :) Then I won't get home till like gone 6 I expect, so I'm hoping the boyfriend will have had dinner and I can just grab a cuppa and relax with him :) Should be a lot easier to lose weight. And bf wants to have his gym day on Saturday so we'll hopefully go out during the day before we head to the gym in the night and any crap I eat I can work off and then Sunday we'll probably get food shopping so I can avoid it for half the day and then just either have a high cal day or can just be a slightly higher but still restricted day :)

I like this plan.

I really want to be skinny and beautiful for summer. I want to have a holiday with the boyfriend (God knows how we'd afford it but hey) and I want to be happy in a bathing suit and want to have sex on the beach (yes I am now singing it :P). I just want to be completely happy for once.

Stay Thin and beautiful my lovelies
xxx

EEE!

I GOT THE JOB GUYS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Seriously thought I'd fucked up (there was a task that was confusingly written and so I cocked up) but like 30-50 minutes later thay phoned me back saying that I had the job!!! YAY! I'm so happy I feel like bouncing and dancing and YAY! This merits choc and carbs. Fuck it. Then tomorrow back to good dieting behaviour and losing weight for MY NEW JOB! Yay! ^^
EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! Okay, I'll shut up now (so I can go dance round the house a bit)!
Hope you're all having as good a day! Love to you all! xxx

Interview

I have a interview for an apprenticeship this friday and I am SHITTING myself! I am terrible at interviews, I get so nervous and panicky and end up rambling. But I so want this job, I need out of my current job, it's so shit and I end up annoyed half the time, the people there are just so rude and bitchy.
I ate far too much yesterday, and I'm not doing much better today either. There's stupid cake left over from Sunday and I want to eat it all :( I keep feeling like I'm going to binge, and I'm trying so hard not to but for some stupid reason I can't just have a little slice, I have to keep picking and picking at it until I've eaten far too much. So now I am just working out on the stepper as much as I can until work, at the same time as preparing for the interview. Urgh too much and my head is gonna explode but it'll be worth it I know it. I want to be thin and in a job that I'm not ashamed of. Can I do it? :/
Stay strong beautiful girls x

137.6

It's going dowwwwwn! :) This makes me very very happy :) *boingboingboingboing* sorry I has happys. Two more pounds and I'll have reached my first mini goal :) I have mini goals every 5 pounds with rewards alternating between material and fooooood.
At 135 I get new pjs
130 Chocolate
125 Jewellery
120 Takeaway with the bf
115 New Lingerie, New Sims game
110 Cake, McDonalds
105 New DVD, new jeans
100 Baking Day, takeaway, alcohol
95 Denim shorts, accessory, DVD
90 Big Toblerone, Pasta, Ice cream
84 Pamper day, binge day, shopping spree

At 115 the rewards get good, so that's what I'm most looking forward to ^^
I still feel really shitty and ill and have a long shift tonight with one of the most annoying girls ever, who also happens to be my boyfriend's ex and the girl who broke two of my close friends hearts. I act civil towards her but she seems to think I really like her, it's like fuck the hell off you freak. She told people where her and my bf used to work that he was gay and also got her pregnant (total bull cos she was on the pill and using a condom, and never made my bf orgasm- he claims, though I dunno why he would lie). Now she's spreading the same bull where I work with her, and I'm worried people will think badly of my bf and he seriously is the nicest guy, it's not fair to him. But I have this thing where I can't be rude to people or confront people. I dunno why, I'm just a pussy I guess. Another thing that sucks about her is she is tiny. I mean she's like 5'0 and is so tiny she looks like she might break if you tapped her. On the plus side, she is way ugly. She looks like a pale little rat. Sorry for the rant, she just angers me :)

Hope everyone is doing really well :)
xxxx

Ill

I hate being ill. I really really hate it :( Especially cos my asthma is so bad, it always affects my lungs three times as badly as anyone else. Right now, just standing up in making me gasp for breath, that's how tight my chest is :( Really not looking forward to my shift tonight, and the walk home -.- Gonna be a long day.

Bright side, feeling so shit that I really don't want to eat (plus we're completely out of everything basically) I managed a few spoonfuls of oatmeal. But I think the rest of the day will be lots of nice warm tea, honey and lemon (when I get some honey :P) and some sugarfree jelly this evening. Will spend as much time as possible in bed. Still managed an hour on the stepper yesterday, but today I just feel worse, so laziness may have to prevail.

Hope everyone is doing good today :)

138.8lbs

Digital Scales read 138.8lbs this morning. Mechanical scales still say 128lbs. Have got the boyfriend's cold or the one going around at work. Not sure. Feel like ass. Had a huge coughing fit last night when I was in bed with the bf. And I mean huge barking coughs that completely shook my body so hard I got bright spots behind my eyelids. Chest is so tight this morning, nose is blocked, feel congested and gross. Want chocolate. Now. Urgh.

Just need to get through my shift tonight and I get a day off to sleep. Then after another two shifts I has another day off and I'm going to see my parents and make them dinner. I'm so getting/making a cake. Nom.

Going to go die for half an hour before I have to go to work. Bleurghhhhhhh